… I have written in a while ya’all. So bear with me as I get some of this out. if only for a moment.
#triggerwarning for folks who’ve hated the body they’ve been in or are in.
On my best days, my body is my prized temple. I revel in its ability to carry me from morning to moonrise, it’s ability to digest and manipulate the many chemicals, substances, foods that I recklessly ingest.
On my worst days, I am disgusted by this body I live in. The stretch marks that ground me in the love and passion I strive for in this world, are the unruly reminders of the unhealthy choices and undisciplined life I follow. I can count more pale rolls of disregard on this body than I can count people who love me no matter what.
I feel like a stranger in this large body. The comments of those around me describing my body in objectifying ways echo throughout my heavy existence. I only hear the things I should manipulate and change about this physical entity I survive in. I begin to fear this in my interactions. I can feel him grabbing the areas that could be less of whatever he wants. I listen to him telling me I have “potential to be hot” over and over and over again. I can hear the voices of my family noting my weight gain rather than the Spanish I’ve learned, the extra life I’ve lived into this body, the skills I’ve gained, and the compassion and empathy I’ve developed. No, my body is a temple that people gawk and stare at. Where is the sacredness in that? My body is the temple I resent to retreat to on days like this. The temple that not even the founder wants to worship within. I count the calories of the beer I chug so that I can escape my body for just one moment.
On days like this, there is no mercy for this body. I must still sit in it, finding warmth in the layers that surround me. Finding direction in the arrows that point from my waist to my thighs, I must decipher the languages, the engravings that cover my body.
To my [future] lovers, please handle these messages with care, please read my body like a map with many destinations, and do not build on the undeveloped mountains and valleys that you can feel on every part of my body. These nooks, crannies, hills, rivers crave your nourishment, love, acceptance and desire.